


Half Of My Heart Has Yet To Come Home

by howlingsaturn



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anger Management, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e06 Monsters, Sleepovers, brief mention of nightmares, the talk that is much overdue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 13:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21271631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: "You weren't fucking here!" Eddie turns on the spot, pushing against Buck's chest to put some distance between them. "You were too busy with that damn lawsuit to notice."Buck ending up in the hospital leads to a lot of confessions and some very necessary healing.





	Half Of My Heart Has Yet To Come Home

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't help myself this time. #MakeBuddieHappen
> 
> title from West by Sleeping at Last.

_"That blood yours?"_

It's stupid. All Buck did was check on the guy who went head first through the windshield. All he did was cut himself on the broken glass. 

It's not that big of a deal. Except suddenly, it is. 

The blood thinners made him bleed like crazy, up until the point he was starting to feel a little light-headed. 

It's why he's in the hospital now with two doctors examining him and a worried Bobby standing to the side, fussing over him.

Buck lets them work quietly, only rolling his eyes at Bobby here and there or answering a few questions.

"Are you putting me off duty?" Buck asks as soon as the doctors are done, the fear of Bobby's response making him hold his breath. 

A startled laugh is pulled out of Bobby at the question and he shakes his head, putting a comforting hand on Buck's shoulder.

"No," he says sincerely, "You did good today, kid. You acted on pure instinct and saved two people's lives. I'm not going to keep you from being who you are, not anymore." 

Buck smiles at him, shoulders sagging in relief and gratitude. 

"But try not to end up in the hospital again," Bobby jokes lightheartedly but then turns stern, searching Buck's eyes. "In all seriousness though, this can't be happening again. You need to be careful, look out for yourself. Got it?" 

"Yes, Sir," Buck says and he vows to himself that he'll be a little less reckless, a little less impulsive from now on. 

He knows that his decisions affect his team as well and he wouldn't want to put them in anger. 

He sends Bobby another smile but he's distracted by a loud noise, the voice it's coming from as familiar to him as breathing. He frowns, looks over Bobby's shoulder and finds a frantic looking Eddie talking to a nurse.

His head turns sharply then, eyes locking with Buck's, and Buck is a little caught off guard by amount of emotions he finds in Eddie's eyes. There's anger, relief, frustration, hope and dare he say, _love_? 

"Eddie?" Buck feels breathless just looking at him. He's skinnier, he observes, not less muscular or athletic but skinnier, especially around his waist and cheeks. 

There's dark circles under his eyes and his hair lies flat on his head, as if he didn't have enough time to get ready this morning. It's unusual, to put it mildly. Eddie is an early riser, he swears on working out every morning before work. He has to make Christopher breakfast and take him to school on time. He's never overslept and he's always put together, every hour of the day. 

Seeing him that tired and out of place is scaring the crap out of Buck.

_ God, _he thinks as Eddie walks over to him, _ what did you to do yourself? _

"Cap." He gives Bobby a short nod of acknowledgement before he turns back to Buck, scanning him up and down as if to access his injuries. 

"What are you doing here?" Buck asks, confused. Just this morning, he gave Buck the cold shoulder. He said he wasn't mad anymore but Buck could tell that something was wrong. He had pulled away from that hug quicker than Buck had expected and he hadn't seen him since. 

"I could ask you the same thing," he explains, feigning nonchalance but failing, "This has become a whole thing with you lately, hasn't it?" 

He gives Buck a teasing grin that doesn't quite reach his eyes and turns to Bobby, raising an eyebrow. 

"What's the verdict?" 

Bobby shrugs, pretending to think it over.

"He's under supervision tonight but he should be fine to go back to work in a few days." He levels Buck with a pointed glare and Buck winces. 

"Message received, Cap." He's waited months to go back to work, surely he can manage to wait another day or two. Right?

Bobby smiles sheepishly and takes his leave, giving Buck's shoulder a light squeeze as he goes.

It's oddly quiet, Eddie clearly musing over what to say, so Buck makes himself busy by grabbing his jacket and wallet from the chair next to him, giving Eddie plenty of time to gather his thoughts. 

When Eddie still doesn't say anything, Buck turns around with a sigh. 

"Why are you here?" he repeats, voice barely rising above a whisper. 

Eddie looks up at the question and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. Buck's eyes fall to the blooming bruise on his elbow and he has to bite his tongue not to bring the topic up again. 

"Bobby texted me saying you were in the hospital. I just-- I wanted to see how you were doing, make sure you're okay." 

It's the most honest he's been in a while, Buck thinks, so he gives him a genuine smile, prompting Eddie to smile as well. 

"I'm okay," he reassures and as he looks at Eddie, an idea comes to his mind.

"Hey, um, the doctors said I'm not supposed to be alone tonight and normally I'd ask Maddie to come over but she's with Chimney and since they've had a little argument I don't wanna, y'know, intrude, so--"

Eddie holds up his hand with a grin, putting a stop to Buck's rambling. 

"You're coming with me," he says and he finally sounds like himself again, "Chris will be happy to see you. He wouldn't stop asking about you."

Heat rises to Buck's cheek, both of shame for not thinking about him when he decided to sign that lawsuit and endless love for the little guy who weaseled his way into Buck's heart without even trying. 

As soon as Buck has signed his leave they make their way to Eddie's car, talking mindlessly until they arrive at his home. 

Eddie opens the door with a grin, winking at Buck. 

"Hey Chris!" He calls into the open space, "I have a surprise for you."

Sure enough, Christopher comes walking over, a bright smile on his lips as he spots Buck. 

"Buck!" 

Buck can't help but laugh, kneeling down to gather Christopher in his arms.

"Hey buddy," he says, "I've missed you." 

He hugs him tighter when he hears Christopher murmur a soft "missed you" into his shoulder.

Eddie watches them from a short distance, only managing to tear his eyes away when his abuela comes to stand next to him. 

"He's a sweet guy," she observes and when Eddie doesn't respond, she presses a light kiss to his cheek and says her goodbyes. 

They end up making dinner and watching Star Wars, much to Buck's disdain. He doesn't understand what's going on at all so Christopher ends up explaining the whole plot to him, affectively missing half the movie. 

They're halfway through the third movie when Chris falls asleep, curled up against Buck's side. Eddie rubs at his eyes and looks over at his son. He stands up with a wince, preparing to brace through his aching ribs and carry Christopher to bed. Buck is quick to catch up though, putting a hand on his arm.

"Let me," he offers and Eddie's too tired to argue. He nods and flops back onto the couch, his eyes slipping shut with a groan. 

Buck gathers Christopher in his arms, carrying him up the stairs and tucking him into bed. 

Just as he's about to head downstairs, a small hand clutches at his wrist.

"Buck?" 

His voice sounds small and fragile and Buck turns around in an instant, sitting down on the side of his bed.

"What's wrong?" 

"Why is Daddy hurt?" 

He's caught off guard by the question, breath catching in his throat. He wills a smile to his face as he leans close. 

"It's nothing you need to worry about, just a little accident at work. He'll be just fine," he reassures, unsure about whether this is the right thing to say. 

"Will you protect him like you protected me?" 

Agony spreads in his chest and he blinks a few times, swallowing down the wave of emotions that hit him. 

"Of course," he nods.

"You promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

He vows to himself that he'll do his best to keep Christopher's promise.

He presses a kiss to his forehead then, not giving him more room to worry about his dad. 

"Sleep now, I'll see you in the morning." 

He snuggles into the pillow and closes his eyes as soon as Buck turns off the light. 

"I love you," he says into the darkness and Buck comes to a stop at the door, utterly surprised.

"Love you too, buddy." He responds, overwhelmed by the pure love he holds for this kid. 

He leaves the room with an uneasy feeling in his gut, not knowing if he should address Eddie's injuries again and unsure whether to tell him about what Christopher said. 

Maybe he needs to hear it though. Maybe hearing about the pain and worry he causes to the people that he loves is the only way to make Eddie stop hurting himself.

His mind made up, Buck finds Eddie in the exact same position he left him, his head resting against the back of the couch with his eyes closed. He startles awake when Buck gently touches his shoulder, wincing when the sudden movement causes his ribs to ache painfully.

"We need to talk about this," Buck says seriously. 

"The hell we do," Eddie grumbles in annoyance and pushes himself off the couch. 

Buck reaches for him when he's about to walk past him, pulling him back by his arm. 

"Who hurt you?"

Eddie startles him with a laugh. 

"No one fucking hurt me, stop playing mother hen, Buck. It's not like you actually care." Buck can hear the bitterness in his voice and he has to tell himself not to take his words personally. 

"Of course I care," he argues, trying to stay calm, "Otherwise I wouldn't be so damn adamant about it." 

Eddie only huffs, rolling his eyes.

"I just need to get rid of my anger, not that that's any of your business."

"Where?" Buck prompts. 

"Buck, leave it--"

"Tell me." 

Buck is stubborn and Eddie knows he can't win. Leveling him with a glare, he tells Buck the truth. 

"It's a fight club. Just some harmless street fights." 

"Harmless?" Buck responds exasperated, a humourless laugh slipping past his lips. "Have you taken a look into the mirror lately? You look a fucking mess, Diaz."

Eddie groans and pulls his arm out of Buck's grip, turning away even as Buck follows and continues to talk.

"And I'm just now finding out that you're asking for it? You're actually asking to get punched and humiliated? What for?"

"You weren't fucking here!" Eddie turns on the spot, pushing against Buck's chest to put some distance between them. "You were too busy with that damn lawsuit to notice."

His aching muscles complain loudly and he has to bite his tongue to stop the tears from falling. The confession just slipped out of him, all that pent up hurt and frustration finally breaking free and now that he's started, he can't seem to stop.

"Christopher's been having nightmares, every damn night, and I don't know what to do. I couldn't talk to you about it, couldn't talk to anyone. He asked about you all the time and I didn't know what to tell him. It was like losing Shannon all over. I was falling apart and all you cared about was your damn job. And I get it, I really do, but I needed you. I needed you so bad and you weren't there." His voice breaks at the end and he shakes his head in disappointment, willing his body to stop trembling.

Buck's stunned into silence at the outburst, lips parted in shock. 

"I'm just so damn angry," he explains, dropping his voice to a low murmur. "You don't get to tell me how to feel or how to deal with it so cut it out." 

He turns away then, intend to step into his car and drive as far away as possible even if it's just for a couple of hours. He needs to clear his head, get his feelings in order. 

But Buck, stubborn, annoying and protective Buck wouldn't let him.

"Christopher noticed, y'know?" 

The words hit him like a freight train. Eddie stops in the hallway, fingers clenching into fists against his side. 

"He asked me why you were hurt, basically begged me to look out for you." 

"Yeah well I don't need you anymore," Eddie snarls, turning around and closing the distance between them, pointing a finger at Buck.

"Maybe not," Buck says, "But he does." 

Eddie glares at him and there's a range of emotions swimming in his eyes, making Buck feel severely out of breath. 

"I do too," he confesses, "The whole team needs you." 

Eddie frowns, some of the anger fading away. He takes a small step back, giving both him and Buck some space.

"They have me," he argues, voice quiet. 

Buck gives him a smile, shaking his head a little. 

"What happens if it goes too far? If you come to work unable to do your work? If someone else gets hurt doing what you're supposed to do?" 

"That's not gonna happen--" 

"And if it does?" Buck interrupts, raising his eyebrows at him, "What then, huh? Could you live with that?" 

Eddie's quiet for a moment, staring at Buck with wide eyes and a bleeding heart. 

"No," he whispers then, and his voice is thick with tears, "I couldn't."

Buck is moving before he can talk himself out of it, pulling a shaking Eddie into his arms. 

"I'm sorry for being absent," he murmurs into his hair, "I don't know how to make up for it but I'm here now, okay? And I'm not leaving, never again. You're not alone, Eddie. We'll find a solution. One where you don't have to get beaten up every other night, okay?" 

Eddie can only not against Buck's shoulder, clinging to him like a lifeline. He breathes him in, heartbeat finally slowing down. The anger drifts away completely and Eddie is glad to notice that he doesn't feel so overwhelmed anymore. Hugging Buck closer, he allows his mind and body to calm.

"C'mon," Buck says after a few minutes of comfortable silence, pulling away from the hug but staying close, squeezing Eddie's shoulders. 

"Do you have a first aid kit laying around somewhere so that I can take a look at your bruises?"

Eddie rolls his eyes at Buck's caress but he points to a drawer beneath the sink anyway, deeply grateful.

"Alright, you go take a shower while I finish up in here. Then we'll do something against the pain, okay?" 

Eddie blushes, not used to being looked after and cared for. 

"You don't have to--" 

"Nonsense," Buck interrupts and Eddie knows better than to argue. 

"Thank you," he says and he hopes Buck knows how thankful he truly is. Judging by the bright smile he's granted, he does.

He makes his way to the bathroom then, looking over his shoulder when he reaches the top of the stairs, finding Buck already looking at him. 

Something stirs in his gut and Eddie has to tear his eyes away so that he can breathe. One simple word lies on the tip of his tongue but he holds it in until he's locked in the safety of the bathroom, breathing it into the tranquility he finds there. 

Buck busies himself while Eddie is showering. He cleans the dishes and takes a peek into Christopher's room to make sure he's still doing okay. 

He hears the water being shut off but he stays put for a moment longer, reaching into the first aid kit to grab some bandages, antiseptics and a tube of arnica cream to help with the bruising.

He then makes his way over to the bathroom, knocking softly. 

"Can I come in?" 

"Yeah," comes a muffled reply and Buck opens the door, almost letting go of the objects in his hand at the sight of him. 

He's hunched over the sink, bare except for the pair of sweatpants that hang low on his hips, and the bruising covering his back and sides is excessive. 

"Eddie…" 

"Don't." 

His head turns sharply, eyebrows drawn together in a way that says he's not willing to argue. 

Buck bites his tongue and gently closes the bathroom door to keep in the noises. The last thing they need right now is for Christopher to see his dad like that. 

He reaches for the cream, silently working it over the purple bruise on Eddie's ribcage. He murmurs a quiet "Sorry" when Eddie winces. 

Buck works quietly for a while, wrapping a thick bandage around his stomach to help ease the pain through the night until he finds himself drawn to the mirror in front of them, meeting Eddie's eyes. 

"Why?" He asks in utter confusion, tears gathering in his eyes. 

Eddie responds just as softly, a small apologetic smile on his lips.

"I don't know."

There's more Buck wants to say but his eyes suddenly drift to a fading injury on Eddie's shoulder. 

Unconsciously, he takes another step closer, breath hitting the back of Eddie's neck and causing him to shiver. 

Buck raises his gaze to look at him, his hand hovering over the abused skin of his shoulder, unsure if he's allowed closer.

Eddie doesn't say anything but he inhales sharply and shifts against Buck. He then presses his body into the touch, exhaling.

Buck hides a smile at the gesture, eyes focusing back on the bruise beneath his hand. 

It goes all the way to the knob of Eddie's spine and Buck follows the path with his fingers, circling his thumb around the yellow bruises. 

Someone must've thrown him to the ground hard, hard enough to cause such excessive bruising. He doesn't want to imagine how painful the impact must've been. Buck shudders just thinking about what could've happened, how much worse it could've been. Eddie could've seriously injured his spine, preventing him from moving at all. 

Rage burns through Buck's body as he stares at Eddie's back, making the world blur around his eyes. He wants to hurt the people who did this to Eddie, wants to slap himself for not hearing his cry of help, for being too focused on his own suffering. 

He should've done something to prevent this, he should do something _now_. His hands clench into fists against Eddie's back and he feels his breathing speed up.

There's a fire building inside his chest, turning his vision a blood red, and it's not until he notices his wrists being put into a tight lock, the gentle pressure under his chin lifting his head and a pair of soft lips pressing against his own, that the burning sensation in his chest begins to fade.

His eyes fall shut instinctively, blacking out the blurry colours that made him feel dizzy. 

_ Eddie,_ his heart sings, and he parts his lips, feeling careful fingers stroke through his hair and pulling his head back a little. He gasps at the sensation, opening his mouth further for Eddie to explore. 

He's breathless, utterly shocked and overwhelmed, but he's never felt more alive. 

He wants to say something but his mind is blank, unusually quiet. He wills his eyes open, just to make sure he's not dreaming, that Eddie is actually _ kissing him, _but his body refuses to cooperate, it's working solely on instinct.

His hand twitches in Eddie's grib though, a soft whine escaping his lips and it apparently forces Eddie into action.

His arm is wrapping around Eddie's body with his guidance, coming to rest on his lower back and Buck feels a rush of desire flaring in his gut at the contact.

He pulls him close, flush against his chest, and his other hand reaches up to cup his jaw, deepening the kiss. Eddie's fingers tighten in his hair at the action and he gasps against Buck's lips.

Just when the surprise begins to wear off and Buck's common sense starts to come back to him, Eddie pulls away with a little more force than necessary, making Buck stumble after him.

He chases his lips aimlessly, huffing out a breath. His knees hit the side of the bathtub and he flops down on it, Eddie's hands on his shoulder keeping him steady. 

"Wow," he murmurs as he sluggishly opens his eyes, Eddie's face blinking in and out of focus.

He finds Eddie staring down at him, his eyes wide and intense, and Buck wets his lips, swallowing. 

"What the fuck was that?" He's still breathless and his voice sounds too loud in the quiet of the bathroom. He's momentarily distracted by the glint on Eddie's bottom lip but he wills himself to focus, to meet his gaze.

"You had that look in your eyes," Eddie explains, his face blank and unreadable but the small tremor in his voice gives away how much he's actually affected by what happened. Buck is happy to notice he's not as put together as it seems. 

"All that anger... I could see it, Buck, feel it right down to my bones. I don't want that for you." 

Buck doesn't know what to respond to that so he just pulls him close by the belt loops of his jeans, forcing him to step between his legs. Eddie sighs, leaning down to rest his forehead against Buck's.

They breathe each other in for a moment, Buck softly nudging his nose to prompt another kiss. He feels Eddie's nose wrinkle with a smile and he can't help his own cheeks from splitting into a grin. 

They're distracted by a knock on the door and Eddie flinches away as if hit.

"Dad?" 

His eyes turn wide and panicked, glancing between Buck and the door and it's Buck who finally snaps into action. 

He pulls his shirt over his head, pushing it into Eddie's arms and thankfully he gets the hint. Quickly pulling the shirt over his head, Eddie hopes it hides the bandages well enough.

After one last glance over at Buck who's giving him a small smile, he opens the door, gathering a frightened Christopher in his arms. 

"Chris," he says softly, "Shouldn't you be in bed?" 

"Nightmare," he murmurs, hiding his face in the crook of Eddie's neck. 

A painful expression crosses his face, breath catching in his throat at the thought of his son in pain. Swallowing down the anger, Eddie tries to focus on Christopher. 

"It's okay, you're alright" Eddie soothes him, pressing a kiss to his temple, "You can sleep with me tonight, how does that sound?" 

Christopher turns his head away, looking past Eddie into the bathroom. 

"And Buck?" 

Buck curses silently but makes his way over to them anyway, plastering a smile on his face. 

"Hey buddy, your dad was just handing me some towels so that I could take a shower," he feels the need to explain himself, "Why are you up so late, huh?" 

"Nightmare," he repeats, shrugging. He looks up at Buck, reaching out a hand and Buck steps closer immediately, wrapping his hand around Christopher's. 

"You get them too sometimes, right?" He asks and Buck squeezes his hand, nodding. 

He refuses to look at Eddie, knowing what he'll find in his eyes: betrayal, shock and guilt. Buck can already hear his exasperated gasp of _ 'Why didn't you tell me?'_

He really doesn't want to have that conversation again. 

"Sleepover," Christoph then prompts, the fright in his eyes replaced by childlike excitement and there's no way either of them are going to say no, not when the mere idea of it makes him this happy.

So Buck just smiles at him, catching the look Eddie throws him as he turns towards the master bedroom.

_ We'll talk about this_, it seems to say. 

Buck follows silently, too tired to argue with a stubborn Eddie Diaz. 

They tuck Christopher into bed, the routine oddly calming and familiar. He slips back into the bathroom once Christopher is settled, taking a quick shower. 

He comes back to Eddie and Christopher curled up together, talking in hushed voices. Buck takes a moment to breathe in that sense of belonging, that warm feeling of home. 

He meets Eddie's gaze from across the room, his head resting on the palm of his hand. When he smiles encouragingly, Buck's feet move on autopilot. 

He settles down on the other side, Christopher lying between them, and rests his arm on the pillow, stretching wide across Christopher's head. 

Eddie's smile turns soft as he mimics him, their hands meeting in the middle and fingers winding together.

"Sleep now," Eddie murmurs into his son's ear and Christopher happily obliges, content now that Buck has settled next to him.

He feels protected and safe, ready to fight the nightmares in his head.

And if that's exactly how Buck and Eddie feel as well, no one has to know. 

They share one last look, comfortably shifting a little closer together, and there's so much Eddie wants to say, so much he needs to _ ask _ and judging by the way Buck looks at him, he does too. 

Buck presses his thumb to Eddie's wrist, feeling his pulse beat strongly against his skin.

_ It's okay_, he seems to say, _ there will be time for it later. _

All that exhaustion is catching up on Eddie at once, making his eyes feel too heavy to bear. Giving Buck's hand a gentle squeeze, he closes his eyes, willing his family's nightmares away. 

At the beginning and end of each day, that's what they are.

_Family._


End file.
